As long as I can remember I struggled to understand the meaning of friendship and all the complexity that comes with it. And there was a time I desperately wanted to have real friends. And there was a time I wanted to have no friends and no interactions with others at all.
And even now I'm wondering if my friends are really my friends.
All of my friends lied to me. Maybe they simply forgot things. But still, how can I trust them?
I'm so scared when people say that they will do something and they don't. Did I do something wrong? Are they angry at me? Why do they do that? How is it possible to forget something You planned? There may be thousands of reasons why did they lie and all those reasons scare me.
For my friends I'd do almost everything. I give them all my trust and put a lot of time and effort into friendship, because I want it to work. And that's the problem. People don't do that. They just want to have fun. and their understanding of fun is SO different. I love everything to be planned and prepared. I think about possible conversations and possible answers. Like in chess I plan so much ahead. Because of that more than half of my friendship is only in my minds. Things those never happened here and never will. And that is fantastic! Like having 6 people in one person.
And still I like to have my friends and spend time with them. But at the same time I like to speak about things with people who are not my friends. Sometimes it's even easier, as with friends You have to take so much into account, because You do not want to loose them just like that.
And when I ask myself, why do I still have friends? I know how it's going to end. . . They will make me to trust them and leave or make me to leave. It will hurt. And does not matter how different they are, does not matter how special they look like. It will end, because it always does. And always will. . .
Does it really worth to have friends?
I don't know. And many times I think that not, thinking and planning friendships takes so much time and energy that could be used somewhere else. And then, something awesome happens, so awesome, that You do not doubt: it was worth and You will always remember them despite the fact how mean they were to You.
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