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what is the purpose of friendship?

6/2/2014

I always wonder what is the meaning of having a friend. Why do people need to have them. And how do You know that someone is Your friend?
As long as I can remember I struggled to understand the meaning of friendship and all the complexity that comes with it. And there was a time I desperately wanted to have real friends. And there was a time I wanted to have no friends and no interactions with others at all.
And even now I'm wondering if my friends are really my friends.
All of my friends lied to me. Maybe they simply forgot things. But still, how can I trust them?
I'm so scared when people say that they will do something and they don't. Did I do something wrong? Are they angry at me? Why do they do that? How is it possible to forget something You planned? There may be thousands of reasons why did they lie and all those reasons scare me.

For my friends I'd do almost everything. I give them all my trust and put a lot of time and effort into friendship, because I want it to work. And that's the problem. People don't do that. They just want to have fun. and their understanding of fun is SO different. I love everything to be planned and prepared. I think about possible conversations and possible answers. Like in chess I plan so much ahead. Because of that more than half of my friendship is only in my minds. Things those never happened here and never will. And that is fantastic! Like having 6 people in one person.
And still I like to have my friends and spend time with them. But at the same time I like to speak about things with people who are not my friends. Sometimes it's even easier, as with friends You have to take so much into account, because You do not want to loose them just like that.

But in the end it is always the same. One wrong step. One wrong word. One wrong action. And everything is over. And You cannot bring it back. Never. And every time I say 'no more. . .', I'm perfectly happy on my own. Friendships cause so much pain. Sometimes I think that the only real intention humans do have is to lie and manipulate others. Most of the time it is hard to believe as people can be quite good trained (they like to hide their intentions and even deny them), but sooner or later, it appears in one or another way.
And when I ask myself, why do I still have friends? I know how it's going to end. . . They will make me to trust them and leave or make me to leave. It will hurt. And does not matter how different they are, does not matter how special they look like. It will end, because it always does. And always will. . .
Does it really worth to have friends?
I don't know. And many times I think that not, thinking and planning friendships takes so much time and energy that could be used somewhere else. And then, something awesome happens, so awesome, that You do not doubt: it was worth and You will always remember them despite the fact how mean they were to You.

and You, why do You have friends? and what does friendship mean to You?

Copyright © Milda Bandzaitė

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All works are copyrighted and not to be used without the permission of the author.

39 Comments

AIWS

AIWS is a strange invention in this planet - a machine with a brush, pen and camera in its hands. It just observes and pictures the sad and cruel reality of everyday life. If You do not get it, do not worry too much, it just means that You are average. But of course You are more than welcome to read, think about and even share Your very important thoughts. Just remember: the majority of humanity does not interest AIWS at all, so please, do not feel offended. It's not You, just Your mediocrity.

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sarah

5/2/2014 11:48:10 pm

Fabulous insight thank you. My 11 year ols with Aspergers is really struggling with the concept of friends. This is really helpful.

6/2/2014 11:15:56 am

Thank You for reading, I'm glad to hear it was helpful.

Adam K

6/2/2014 12:55:33 am

Friends? Pah they all betray you in the end like you say. I don't need anyone either really. I am perfectly fine living alone for the rest of my long and drawn out existence.

6/2/2014 02:21:25 am

the problem for those who have asperger's is their obsessive behavior. they get so obsessed about all small details and stuff cannt realize others not interested and bored.
also, they tend to be or over obsessed about their friends or lack of interest, need to keep balance in life.
friendship is not about one figure but about two and their interests should be taken in account and that's the aspergers fail

6/2/2014 11:04:24 am

Don't You think that those "others" should tell that they are not interested or bored?

6/2/2014 11:26:39 am

And I don't think it's a problem at all. Obsessions is the best thing that has happened in my life and if some people cannot deal with it, they should not ask to be my friends in the first place.

6/2/2014 02:22:31 am

for me it's something irrational, I can't tell you why I need friends. And the ones that I meet every week, talk to everyday are mostly just people that have nothing in common with me except the past, long years together in school or elsewhere. They're like family in some way - you sometimes hate them, don't want to see them for weeks, but they're there and that's it, you don't think about not communicating with your mom for any reason. But there's one friend of that special kind, I'd say my true and best friend - we meet like 3 or 4 times a year, though we live quite close to each other, and maybe talk online for 3 or 4 times too, we never ask 'how was your day' etc - but I somehow always know it will feel like home being with him. I can't explain our relationship, maybe that's the perfect one, where you don't really put effort or responsibility in it and only pure communication of two souls remains.

6/2/2014 11:05:41 am

Thanks a lot for sharing this with me!

Jessica

6/2/2014 03:09:23 am

great insight, thanks for writing this!
for me friends are just people i love spend time with. without them i feel empty and devastated, i know that when i need their support they will be here for me and ill be here for them. it's just the feeling, but very strong...
I'm sorry to hear about your experience and people betraying you, but you will find real friends one day believe me.

6/2/2014 12:28:25 pm

Thanks for sharing this with me!

cody

6/2/2014 03:19:21 am

let me tell u, if a friend is a guy and does things he was not interested before there is something else. men dont spend time with girls unless they want to get into their pants. anytime a man is pushing to get in bed with a woman he does that in different way. you may be not aware of that. man prove himself worthy of sleeping with women by buying them gifts, taking them out, doing things for them... and it's alright, it seems like one material thing in exchange for another - simply like that. but if there is never a response from another side (you), even a small clue that you are interested in a bigger step, they will stop trying.

6/2/2014 11:11:35 am

Are You seriously trying to tell me that everyone just wants to have sex with me? And all friendships are built on sexual attraction or what?

Ian

6/2/2014 03:24:21 am

better have less friends but the ones who care about you deeply. who needs tons of them anyway?

6/2/2014 11:12:12 am

I don't have many friends either.

Angel link

6/2/2014 03:47:27 am

I can relate to so much that you shared here. I wrote a post a little while ago about not having a best friend. The only friends I currently have a e a few online. Friendship has been a struggle for me since I was a child and it still is - it has been painful and confusing. I have had to do a lot of reading and asking questions to try to understand the differences between, best friends, friends, acquaintances, to understand others more so than myself. There seems to be too much relationship maintenance for me to keep up with. I have tried, but I somehow end up in relationships that are imbalanced and I find myself eventually putting more in than the other person, leading to even more social confusion and emotional fatigue.

6/2/2014 11:13:18 am

Thanks a lot for sharing Your experience with me, where can I read Your post?

John

6/2/2014 07:43:13 am

This article gave me so much to think about.

Do we think before accepting friend's status? We automatically assume someone's our friend, we don't question friendship or its awkwardness and simply like that accept things like they are...Is it right?Who knows, just very interesting to hear another opinion. ;>

I've read your other posts and honestly think you are very interesting person. It'd be an honour to meet you

6/2/2014 11:13:53 am

Thanks for Your lovely words. Where do You live?

wunschdenker

6/2/2014 04:03:03 pm

Thank you for the article, it's always interesting to read different opinions about things that seem to be simple and obvious from the first sight, but really are complex and sophisticated.
For me friendship means those awesome things that happen and prove it was worth it. Most of my happiest memories are connected with times I spend together with friends or times that would hardly happen without the support of friends. My friends are my closest people, they understand me better than others. We accept each other as we are and we're trying to support and encourage each other. I'm very grateful they are with me and I often worry whether I'm being a good friend, whether I'm contributing to our friendship enough, whether I'm able to express my gratitude properly, 'cause I'm very bad at expressing my emotions. I'm often afraid that I can dissapoint them or even involuntary offend without noticing, as I'm socially awkward and bad at recognizing other's emotions, wishes and hints. And of course I'm afraid that my friends will leave me. It happened before, but still I'm thankful to those who left for the amazing moments we shared.
Sometimes we have quarrels and I'm angry with my friends. In such times I'm trying to remember how they gave support to me when I needed it most and also remember that I'm so very far from being perfect myself.

8/2/2014 06:24:33 am

Thanks a lot for Your lovely words (like always) and for sharing Your thoughts with me. Much appreciated.
Take care, and hopefully see You again in the future.

duCky

8/2/2014 07:36:47 am

you do an excellent work. thank you for standing up for who you are. your minds encouraged me to look deeper and question myself and others. you are an inspiration. thank you.

10/2/2014 06:39:30 am

Thanks a lot for Your lovely words, Your support means a lot to me.

eliza

10/2/2014 06:36:38 am

hey ya,
would love to hear your opinion and suggestions on keeping and getting a relationship.
i'm really struggling to find a true love in my life.getting some attention from boys, but dont know how to answer. just get all frustrated and shy....i know some fancy me,but how to show them that i'm interested when i'm so socially awkward. i tend to push them away without wanting to..I have AS also, and it puts people off,i tend not to tell them anymore,really upsets people look at me not like real person to be loved,but as an exhibit
I'm so sad and devastated and just want to know that somewhere my love is waiting for me....someone who likes me for who i am and just wants to share their comfort with me....

10/2/2014 11:08:48 am

Hello Eliza, thanks a lot for writing to me, but I'm a wrong person to ask those questions and give advice on relationships. My life is messed up and I'm hardly able to have friends.
I'm very sorry to hear that some people don't see You as a real person and treats You badly.
Just for You to know You don't need to have a partner to be happy, the fact that everyone around are used to this does not make it to be true. But I will ask advice and hopefully other people will get back to You soon. Take care!

John Benjamin Tatum

10/2/2014 01:52:02 pm

[reposted from facebook]
Also things are different based on age and stage in life. Such as a "High School Student", a "University Student", or out of school.

Because it determines what you desire for the relationship. It is the difference between a "fling", "just dating", "seriously dating", or "working toward a lifelong relationship" (such as marriage).

Each has a separate approach as to keeping the relationship and how far the relationship should be allowed to go.

Michelle Stapleton

10/2/2014 01:55:18 pm

[reposted from facebook]
Start off with simple conversations

Jeanne Medina

10/2/2014 01:57:34 pm

[reposted from facebook]
Start with friendship. All the best lifetime relationships say they married their best friend. Find friends by doing group activities of things you might enjoy learning about, like classes, or hobby groups, or causes you care about, and volunteering. That way you can enjoy the activity and not focus so much on the relationship part of it. You will all get to know each other in the course of doing the activity and it takes the pressure of doing the social part correctly out of the equation. This is also how you can prove who you are first, as a person, then over time, they might learn you have a diagnosis, but it's not the only fact they have about you, so it comes at them in the greater context of who they already know you to be. It may explain some things to them, but there is less room to jump to conclusions and you become part of their education about what that means. Just doing things out in the world may be a stretch right now, so if that is true, just give yourself time to adjust to that, and don't worry about dating. That will come all in good time. Don't put yourself on the same schedule as NT's for anything because we do things at different ages than they do. Its not that we never get there, it's just that we get there in our own time.

Lars

10/2/2014 01:04:46 pm

i accompany to eliza, but like to ask about tips how to be a good partner to an aspie, my gf is one and i find it difficult to be with her even if i love her a lot, sometimes i doubt she feels same as i do. any tips?

Donna

11/2/2014 05:28:05 am

so what do u like about her? if u have doubts, simply ask. communication is the key in every relationship.

Pierre

10/2/2014 01:27:39 pm

talking about relationships. ;-))
My tips more for NT (typical person) who dates/or thinks about dating an Asperger female. I had a girlfriend with AS and can tell that it was wonderful! Different from all other relationships, but really wonderful. And we are still very close friends.

things you have to get used to:
first one is honesty or to be more precise - brutal honesty. (Some people don't like that, but please never change for others - remember you are wonderful who you are and if someone can't get that, that's their loss!)
Sometimes that truth can just piss someone off. The Aspie is so focused on stating what is true, that she simply cannot foresee how the truth might affect the other person’s feelings. But who likes to live in a lie, anyway? ;-)
and you will always know if she likes something. Nothing can change the light in her eyes, the tone of her voice and all the excitement. If she likes something, you'll know.
2. taking things way too literally. When you tell the Asperger person you’ll do something at 7:00 pm, you better be sure your clocks are in synchronicity with theirs! A callback that occurs later than 7:00 pm warrants serious explaining. Don't promise things you can't do - SERIOUSLY, I did this mistake many times and regret deeply. I know that at the specific moment you feel like really doing it, but if you not 250 % sure, please, don't promise.
3. be prepare to talk about their special interest, there is nothing else your aspie partner love more. I can tell you that. And you will have a great time to, of course if you are not interested in listening what they have to say, and want to have only chatty and butterflies relationship, better don't.
4. Asperger people may not interact with their partner in what is "normally" expected and here is all the beauty. Create your own routines, your own lives. Do silly things together. Pay attention to what they like and what don't.
5. Many Aspies have various sensory sensitivities, eg for noises, smells, touches, etc. and all this is much more overwhelming for them than they would be for the typical person. If it's overwhelming they can't do nothing about, be understanding and comfort them. pressure by giving a strong hug and hold them from the back or speaking about their favorite topics may help.
6. make some lists (although not all aspies love them, but most do). make lists about everything you can think about. We did hundreds, no thousands of list and quests and it was fun!

Just enjoy your time, most likely you will be the one who steps in, you will be the one who suggest the next move and initiations of relationship, just be clear about what do you want from it. Not only to your partner, but also to yourself.

and just be honest and yourself. ;-) your relationship won't be like previous ones, but sure if you love the person you'll find your way to solve problems.

anne

10/2/2014 02:39:51 pm

be my boyfriend!

10/2/2014 03:58:19 pm

i don't think there's a universal purpose or definition of friendship, it's all about how you decide it to be.

some people cal each other friends after they've just met and got wasted together at a bar. it's perfectly fine. some people need to communicate with each other for at least a year so they can start calling themselves friends, and that's perfectly fine as well.

This is what i get from friendships (and i hope i'm capable of returning all of that and more):

*Reflection. self-reflection is awesome, but people from different backgrounds can provide different views to your current issue that you'd never think of yourself. or they can help you see your issues if you're in denial, like "you really drink too much, i care about you so please do something about it".

*Validation. after more than a decade of physical and psychological abuse (narcissistic mother), i'm doubting my thoughts, feelings and actions a lot. so it's great when there are people who can tell "you're being perfectly reasonable, if i were you, i'd act/feel the same!"

*Support. when you're going through tough periods of life, it's really great to have someone that you can ask to come over or just hold their hand if you're having a social anxiety attack at a crowd.

*Safety. if you like doing some risky activities like mountain climbing or exploring woods and occasional marshes, it's great to have a person who knows you so well they can tell if you just yelled f**k! out of excitement or distress.

*Fun. with people you already know and can call friends, you can skip all the formalities, chit chat and whatnot and go straight to activities you both enjoy.

20/2/2014 01:55:15 pm

Thank You for sharing this with me, just a quick question: do I know You and have I been Your friend?

16/4/2014 03:15:47 am

yes, we used to know each other and at least i considered you a friend.

Feely

11/2/2014 06:56:03 am

what i personally find very hard with aspergers is their inability to read hidden agendas and non verbal signals.

i have two friends with AS and love both of them, but just find very tiring to spend time with them. Obviously they have no clue that people don't want to give all their free time to them.... They never get that it's time to leave when I invite them over,I almost have to tell to LEAVE NOW, I have other plans. Feel sad about this, but what can I do?

and female AS friend is so naive, she fells for everyone who shows even a slight sign of friendliness and gets hurt after all causing much pain.

pia

20/2/2014 01:47:53 pm

dont know if you remember me, i was in deargoods garage at your exhibition last year. (this crazy feminist with friend who just came to see how animal rights objective women and left speechless, because your works were so different). we spoke about gender identities and feminism afterwwards, was really interesting and pleasant meeting. what a pity you left germany so fast afterwards...
i wanted to tell you how you inspired me to take the power to speak and to be heard even more and more. the things you are doing...so powerful and inspiring. wish i had this power and self concentration. and I wish i knew you more. what an eloquent, moving, inspiring, uplifting works you do. i was deeply moved by you after our meeting. you showed that one person can make a huge difference. i want to thank you for all this. it takes an immense amount of courage to do something like you do, to stand up alone when no one does, to speak up for other, when no wants, even break friendships because of ignorance. much easier to lay in bed and watch television or close your eyes in front of the evil...thank you for your work! you are not alone!!!thank you for being who YOU are!
pia

20/2/2014 02:10:42 pm

You made my day, Pia! It was nice to meet You and thanks for Your lovely words.

Luise link

22/2/2014 12:48:57 am

Friendship wins!!! Do you know the world youth song?? :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf-JHonXU9M

websites where you can make friends link

20/3/2017 11:05:35 am

Very good information is there in your blog. It is very useful to me. Thanks for sharing this information and keep share good information on your blog.
Regards,
<a href="http://www.friendsmoo.com/">websites where you can make friends</a>

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what is the purpose of friendship?

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