2nd April
Autism (Awareness) Acceptance day.
In this post I'm talking about autistic people, but most things can be applied to any neurodivergent person, also will be mentioning and briefly discussing ableism, objectifying of disabled people and inspiration porn. 

Today is the day when almost everyone feels the urge to "light it up blue", share some so called inspirational stories showing that autistic people - surprise - are human beings too, show their sympathy to the families "affected" by autism or even better talk about how together we can "beat autism".

All this just makes me want to throw up - meaning today I will avoid social media and won't login into facebook, twitter or any other social media to avoid all the horrible, even if good intentioned, messages these posts are sending. 

I already wrote many times about organisations like autism speaks and the only message they are communicating is that being autistic is the biggest burden or having an autistic child is worse than to loose one.
Let me clear it again - groups like autism speaks do not speak neither for me, neither for any other autistic person I know. The only thing they do is talk over actually autistics, silence us and never listen when we raise our concerns. 

The term inspiration porn describes the fact that disabled people are seen as inspirational because they are disabled and/or are here to inspire non disabled people to be better human beings. I can think of a few most common examples:
*Neurotypical person is being friendly and not that shitty to an autistic person. This is seen as SO inspiring!! like wow! this person is basically a hero because they don't hurt, insult or completely ignore an autistic person. Autistic person is used to show that the other person is kind hearted & good, taking away autonomy from an autistic person - nevermind in the end of the day, we are here to please non-disabled people and show how nice they can be, right??
*Autistic person does something random, something most people are capable of, like goes to the school, rides the bike, goes to the shop, etc. etc. and it is so inspiring because autistic people are apparently not capably of literally anything. It is also used to stigmatise and put other people, especially children down (e.g. "look they are autistic and they are able to ride a bike, when will you learn??" or "even that autistic child got an A from an essay, what is your excuse now??").
*Autistic person does something extraordinary, something 99% of people wouldn't be able to do, like discovers a new constellation, goes to space, invents new type of machine, paints a masterpiece, etc. and it is so fucking inspiring, just not because of the actual action, but because the person is disabled.
Let's face it - we exist for our own reasons and not to please, inspire or what-ever-other-fuck to do with non-disabled people. This sort of objectification is really really fucked up. ​​It takes away our autonomy completely leaving us just as objects to please other people needs. We are already enough objectified, and if our needs, aspirations and ideas do not fit into society's concept of us - we are completely ignored...
I want to believe that people sharing these stories are just ignorant and think they are doing good. 

content: ableism, patronising of disabled people, discussion of the term "differently abled" 

For quite a while I was thinking about the term "differently abled" that sometimes is used instead of disabled. I haven't really used it myself, but heard lots of progressive people praising it and being so happy about "different abilities". From the first sigh it might look like a great term - concentrating on the positive instead of the negative, but taking a closer look into it we can realise how deeply problematic it is. First of all - different from what? Isn't everyone different in some ways and has different abilities? Using the term "differently abled" actually reinforces the idea that there is only one way of being. One "correct/right" way of existing, thinking, communicating, feeling, moving - you name it. Everything else that does not fit into someone's imaginary normality is classed as "different" "abnormal/not normal" (it is used to refer to disabled people in this case). Obviously that way even further contributing to patronising, stigmatizing and dehumanizing of disabled people. It does not matter how much one wishes or believes that the term might suggest that everyone is different and just exists in their own way, it does not. It rather suggests that there is one "acceptable" way of being and the other "different" "not so acceptable" way.

It also has the same patronising tone as the term "special needs", "challenging" etc. and suggest that being called disabled should be something to avoid, something to be ashamed of.. Many times these terms are used as more of a way for those non disabled people (who in most cases lead the discussion about disability) to feel better about themselves and deny (consciously or non consciously) any chance to answer the questions leading to acceptance instead of this tolerance. Disability makes them uncomfortable. It's like saying "at least they (disabled people) are not completely useless, they are good at something too" and continues the association of one's worth to exist with ability to work, be "functional", contribute to the society. World still thinks that my existence is tragic, not worth living and keeps reminding me how many times harder I have to try to be given the right to exist, to take the space, to talk...
​
The term "differently abled" does not only understate, but in many cases even ignores the reality and struggles disabled people have to go through their daily lives. It denies the impact of systematic oppression and suggests that disability is one person's problem rather than society's. Why should we let the society ignore the fact that they are disabling us and comfort to their patronising tone? 
Society already does a very good job at ignoring the systematic oppression and ableism. And by refusing to acknowledge that we are disabled by the society's lack of accommodation to our physical and neurological differences from so called typical minds and bodies, we are letting society to know that they do not need to look at the ways they are making us disabled. Disability does not exist on its own. We have to realise that disability is a complex interaction between social, cultural, political & other structures and individual's minds/bodies. It is institutional, systematic and personal ableism that creates disability. And we don't need to deny it exists. 

So yeah, that's why finally I decided that I won't start using the term "differently abled" as this language only helps to reinforce already existing oppression of disabled people.

Yesterday me and my friend L were sitting by the Thames and talking about life, universe, how to make friends (or more likely how differently we actually do that) and everything else. We even talked about my blog (this one and the other one I used to write years ago), apparently L reads my blog (other people do that too, and sometimes they even write to me. It's still difficult to believe, but hey!), so I promised to write another post. This time it's about making/having friends and problems with that. 
This post is for you, L! <3

(My previous posts about problems autistic people face and how you could support your neurodivergent friends you find here and here and here and here (but they are quite old, so my opinions might have changed a little bit) in case you interested.)

Also I wanted to make sure that I do not intend to represent all autistic people and do not talk for anyone else. This post mostly reflects my own personality and experience, but at the same time I feel kind of happy to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do and we can connect to some extent.

So here we go.
Communicating with people is difficult. Forming connections is even more difficult. So it does not come as a surprise that making and having friends is complicated too. It does not matter how many times I told myself that's it, I'm not going to have any friends and will be emotionally de-attached from humans (less feelings, less pain), it never works.
Bellow you'll find some of the things that make having and maintaining relationships difficult for some autistic people. 

The need of confirmation.
I'm desperately looking for any signs that my friends are actually hating me and are just too polite to say that. I know it's irrational and makes no sense, but it does not stop me from living in a constant fear that very soon my friends will leave me. For example if someone promises to write me an email the next day and they don't, I start panicking and thinking that they do not care about me at all, because if they did, they would keep their promises, right? I know people forget things, there are way more important things than me in their lives, personal things happen and so on... Still this is SO triggering and also sometimes makes me to do stupid things I probably regret later. 
I used to ask my friends almost all the time if they were still friends with me, if they were angry at me, if they still liked me and why. I still do that, just trying to keep it to the minimum. Apparently I shouldn't ask those questions as that upset others. I should just see how things go and feel where we stand on our relationship. Well, I'm not able to read people's mind and can't really see how things are going, so I desperately need the confirmation from my friends that they still want to be my friends and nothing has changed...

Feeling worthless.
World keeps telling me that I should know my place. Also I should be more than happy that I managed to meet someone who likes me even a little bit and formed some sort of relationship because that is way more than most autistic people manage to do (according to neurotipicals of course). Basically what they are saying is that I'm so useless that no one ever will be my friend for real. Even if in theory I know that this is not true (it's only those horrible people who want to control everyone giving their opinions), it still hurts. But world keeps telling me this again and again, so I almost believe. All this adds up to the feeling that no one really cares about me and my friends hang out with me out of pity or something like that. I try to prove myself and be useful really hard. It's actually quite dangerous as people might take advantage (and they often do). To partly prevent that I created my own friendship rules, and built other possible protections... But actually I feel that puts nice people off, as I come across as too complicated and arrogant or making friends with me seems too difficult. 

Nothing in between.
I desperately keep looking for this mysterious "in between", as all I do seems to be too much or not enough. I'm extremely emotional and emotionally unstable (just it's not really visible to others most of the time). You know that thing when you are not very expressive and keep everything inside you, so no one actually knows how deep you feel everything. And I mean everything. Lack of knowledge what other people might want and expect pushes me to extremes. I come across or as too attached or as too distant from others (more likely distinct especially in the beginning). Obviously both are seen as not good enough (remember, there is only one way of being and if your actions don't particularly fit - you are a freak). I never know how much attention is just right, I'm not sure how much communication people want to, should I write to them first (and what if they do not want me to)? or should I wait till my friends will write to me? And when I do write first, most likely I've spent a few hours before getting the message just right, not too emotional and not too cold. And those rare times I actually send emotional emails to my friends I regret doing so the very same moment and just wish I could turn time back and press the delete button instead... 
All this confuses others as one day I might be giving lots of attention and the next day (after hours of thinking and reflecting, deciding that no, it probably was too much) keeping the distance and needing space from them. 

Physical contact.
This one is very tricky. I do have lots of sensory issues, so almost any unexpected physical contact causes me an actual physical pain. But I like holding hands with people I really care about (especially if there are lots of other people around) as it lets me to concentrate on one particular action. I also feel scared and lonely in this world most of the time (let's start with not being able to connect to other people the same way they do), so holding hands seems to be one of the safest ways to confirm that at this very moment there is someone who cares a little bit about me and if something will happen I won't be on my own. Or at least that's meaning I gave to this gesture. I search for meanings everywhere, and I'm more than aware that for most people close physical contact have very deep sensual meanings. Unfortunately it makes me very emotional, so I'm struggling to decide if my friends are trusted enough to be emotional with. There is also this fear that if I'll get close to people they will use it against me later. 

Not being able to express myself properly.
This is so hard, especially as I want to say so much to my friends, but when it comes to putting everything into words, I fail. Sometimes (often) people get upset and angry as they think I kept things away from them, but the truth is I just don't think about bringing those topics unless specifically asked. Even when specifically asked I might not really be able to discuss them in full due to the lack of preparation to make a proper script. Many times I do not really know what I want before someone else voices it loudly. It's already complicated to pass (gosh, how much I hate this word actually) in every day situations, but when it comes to deep and long conversations with close people it becomes even more complicated. I also mentally rehearse future conversations with my friends. It's probably not fair on them as part of my every friendship  s based on things and talks that have never happened real life...

Over-thinking.
Analysing everything all the time. Sometimes I create problems in my head that never existed, but it actually helps me to see the point in relationships and how much they mean to me. For some reason over-thinking and analysing things annoys others. It has this attached negativity how analysing everything will make one miserable. It actually partly makes me happy. I go again and again through different moments and conversations in my head trying to connect things and put meanings to different actions (or just thinking about moments I like). Sometimes it's relaxing. Sometimes it helps me go back to reality and see that I idealise my friends way too much. But also I keep reminding all mistakes I did and how I could do much better! I am more than aware of every time I said something wrong, hurt others or was not able to give them support I intended to. And I keep reminding that to myself again and again...

I'm more than aware that sometimes it takes more effort for NTs to form friendships with neurodivergent people, but I tend to blame society for that. Society that gives only neurotypical-neurotipical desired relationship models. All relationships that involves neuroatypical person portrays NTs as some sort of heroes (because who else would want to have a friend considered less human by society's standards?). And that is so wrong! 

So, today is the international Autistic Pride Day. On this day we aim to celebrate autism and finally put more and more focus on the neurodiversity. (just a couple of days ago I was interviewed by Anti-Speciesist Women about neurodiversity and how social justice movements could be a little bit more inclusive, that you can read here). 
We live in the world that wants to acknowledge only one way of being - neurotypical. Everyone else who falls under the neuro-atypical umbrella is seen as not valid. Obviously, our society is very ethical, so we are allowed to exist. Thank you for the permission, very kind of you. Autistic people are also part of the neuro-atypical scale, so yai!, at least we fit somewhere. 
I think it's really important that everyone who is not on the spectrum takes a step back and listens to what actual autistic people have to say. There are autistic people out there (what a surprise, autistic children grow up and become autistic adults) and we have a lot to say, but the world does not want to listen to our thoughts. 
The biggest problem is that neurotypical voices are much louder than neurodivergent. They market their message better. Society not only patronises autistic people (and actually everyone who is not NT), but as well dehumanises us. Autistic people are seen as broken, wrong, less humans... It's difficult as hell to speak up when all your life you were shunned and told that there is something wrong with you. 
They tell you you have no future. They tell you that everyone else knows better what you need, even when they are wrong. They tell you are a mistake. Actually the biggest mistake in this planet. And you learn to believe them. 
But there are more and more autistic advocates who spoke against organisations like autism speaks, harmful therapies like ABA and the search for magical cure. I'm not going to go into more details why those things are harmful and why autism speaks does not speak for autistic community, maybe use google or ask if you really can't find. 
There are more and more autistic people who speak about their experiences, ideas and sometimes we are even heard (thanks to the internet). 
So, what if autistic people do not want to be cured? What if people with brown eyes want to stay brown eyed? What if your message that people suffer from autism is not only a lie, but also causes lots of harm? What if there is not only one way of being or thinking? 
I'm wondering what would happen if one day people would stop pushing their harmful views on others and dictating everyone around how to be. Would the world come to the end?..
Shouldn't everyone just start challenge those structures and ideas? 
Oh, and there is something else I wanted to say. For some reason majority of people tend to believe that autistic people have no imagination. How far from the truth is it! The world in my head is much more real and much more interesting then the one I'm forced to live in. Sometimes it's so awesome that I have troubles staying in this one, and not because I do not respect people around me, but because in my own world the conversation we are having right now has finished a while ago and we did lots of other things in between. And it's not only me who thinks so (about the wild imagination), most of autistic people I heard talking said something very similar. 

P.S. in case you missed, there is a kickstarter campaign running right now to get my next picture book about neurodiversity published, so you can go HERE to support my work and pre-order the book. Yeah, I'm very pushy: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/aiws/the-girl-who-didnt-know-how-to-be

I said it once, but will say it again. My problem is not me, my problem is the world that can't stand the fact that not everyone is the same and not everyone has to fit into the fucking patterns someone created to control the society. 

HAPPY AUTISTIC PRIDE DAY EVERYONE! 

Copyright © Lex Kartanė

All rights reserved.
All works are copyrighted and not to be used without the permission of the author.

Oh well, another year has passed by and here we are... facing another Autism Acceptance Day. 
The day you forced to remember autistic people exist, world telling that you should tolerate them and see beyond their autism, because everyone is so unique! (sarcasm) 
Also it's an opportunity to pat yourself on the shoulder - another good cause, another good work...
Blah blah blah, that's not what actually autistic people need. Fuck your stupid tolerance that indicates there is something wrong with a person. There is nothing to tolerate and nothing not to tolerate. It's not that you have to like every autistic person or every neurotypical person, is it? If there is something you don't like and it bothers you so much, how about you just move on with your own life? Maybe, just maybe, if you do have a problem with someone's needs, likes and dislikes, it's because there is something wrong with you and not with them? 

Autism is nothing to be tolerated, feared or praised, it's just a neurological difference. And most of problems autistic people face on their every day lives were created by society. The same society that believes everyone should act in a certain way and fit into someone's imaginable normality. 
But how would you feel left on your own in a foreign world where everyone looks like you, but is so distinct at the same time? Where everyone speaks the same language, but it's so different from the one you used to? Everything you do is wrong. Everything you say is insane. And every time you try to ask, every time you try to learn their language or find out why it's done one or another way, they ignore you. Why can't you just be like everyone else and create problems out of nowhere?.. Just be yourself. Just not that way you are actually - that different kind of way - the way that makes others comfortable. 
But does it get better? I ask this question myself every day and no, it doesn't. Wish I could say YES it will get better, but that would be a lie. However I believe for some people it does get better and I'm happy for them.

Oh, and autism speaks...
I hate you AUTISM SPEAKS. I do not want to be fixed and your dehumanizing message hurts. 
Please stop searching for the magical cure. There is nothing to cure!
Please stop your unethical and misguided therapies, autistic people are not problem - you are! 
Please stop saying that I shouldn't exist. Stop telling the world how people around me have been tragically touched (whatever that means). They are not (and in case they are I want them to disappear and leave me alone anyway!). 

There is enough awareness (especially negative), it's time to move on. Accept everyone as they are. 
So no, I'm not going to light it up blue. I do not suffer from autism. I still do not belong here, but does anyone care?..

I always wonder what is the meaning of having a friend. Why do people need to have them. And how do You know that someone is Your friend?
As long as I can remember I struggled to understand the meaning of friendship and all the complexity that comes with it. And there was a time I desperately wanted to have real friends. And there was a time I wanted to have no friends and no interactions with others at all.
And even now I'm wondering if my friends are really my friends.
All of my friends lied to me. Maybe they simply forgot things. But still, how can I trust them?
I'm so scared when people say that they will do something and they don't. Did I do something wrong? Are they angry at me? Why do they do that? How is it possible to forget something You planned? There may be thousands of reasons why did they lie and all those reasons scare me.

For my friends I'd do almost everything. I give them all my trust and put a lot of time and effort into friendship, because I want it to work. And that's the problem. People don't do that. They just want to have fun. and their understanding of fun is SO different. I love everything to be planned and prepared. I think about possible conversations and possible answers. Like in chess I plan so much ahead. Because of that more than half of my friendship is only in my minds. Things those never happened here and never will. And that is fantastic! Like having 6 people in one person.
And still I like to have my friends and spend time with them. But at the same time I like to speak about things with people who are not my friends. Sometimes it's even easier, as with friends You have to take so much into account, because You do not want to loose them just like that.

But in the end it is always the same. One wrong step. One wrong word. One wrong action. And everything is over. And You cannot bring it back. Never. And every time I say 'no more. . .', I'm perfectly happy on my own. Friendships cause so much pain. Sometimes I think that the only real intention humans do have is to lie and manipulate others. Most of the time it is hard to believe as people can be quite good trained (they like to hide their intentions and even deny them), but sooner or later, it appears in one or another way.
And when I ask myself, why do I still have friends? I know how it's going to end. . . They will make me to trust them and leave or make me to leave. It will hurt.  And does not matter how different they are, does not matter how special they look like. It will end, because it always does.  And always will. . .
Does it really worth to have friends?
I don't know. And many times I think that not, thinking and planning friendships takes so much time and energy that could be used somewhere else. And then, something awesome happens, so awesome, that You do not doubt: it was worth and You will always remember them despite the fact how mean they were to You.

and You, why do You have friends? and what does friendship mean to You?

There are more autistic people around You than You may think.
And even if person is not autistic, why not to try to understand them instead of calling a creep for simply acting differently?
Here You can find my another post about autism "I'm not the one who needs to be fixed, it's You who is wrong".

World loves to tell me what to do. And even more particularly what not to do. Do not speak, it says to me. You talk too fast. You talk too much. You talk about wrong things. And when I stay still, it asks to me to speak. It blames me for not interacting with everyone around. World just loves to tell me how I should live. And many people require me not just to live, but behave the way they want me to.

So, my part one of problems autistic people face or more particularly I face, later maybe there will be some more.

I do not own any rights to those pictures, they all are from Autistic Problems Tumblr. Going through all those pictures made me to think, wow people actually have the same problems like I do. I'm not the only one.
The chances that someone You know is autistic are pretty big, so accept them as they are and do not try to change.

This is very simply: do not touch other people without their permission.
Do You feel like giving a hug? That's fine - just ask before and be prepared that sometimes You will hear no. And NO always means NO.
I like hugging and other physical contact only because of the social message behind it. I feel happy when members of my favourite band hugs me - not because I would enjoy the actual act of hugging, but because I know the social meaning behind and this social meaning means a lot to me.
But would not like a stranger hugging me into the street. Anyone I do not know touching me is a nightmare. I do not go to hairdressers because of that, I ask people I know and trust to cut my hair (with demo against fur trade as an exception).  Being in the place surrounded by a lot of people is a disaster for me.
So yes, please, do not touch other people without their permission.

Sadly that's so true. People are interested (sometimes) to hear about my special interest for the first time, maybe for the second, but after hearing about the same thing again and again, they are literally asking me to speak about something else. The thing is that sometimes it's not up to me to stop before it's finished. . .
One person said that I'm like a train (and I like trains!) when I speak about things I like. I cannot stop.

And even worse is to fake that You are interested: like to ask for my second favourite number and after explaining which number it is and why it's my second favourite number forget about that in a couple of minutes. That shows that You do not listen and do not care what I have to say. Well, why bother to speak then?
But I still think that things I like are so awesome! And if someone is up to speak about perfect numbers - oh well, I love to speak about perfect numbers, especially about the first perfect number.

A lot of autistic people have food issues.

For example I cannot stand some kind of food touching each other. I don't eat spicy food or put sauce on it. Also I would never eat something that looks or smells differently than I expected. I am surprisingly picky about vegetables, particularly for a vegan, I cannot stand the texture of most of them.
Sometimes I feel that the list of things I eat is shorter than a list of things I don't.
People are so obsessed with food that it makes very hard to be around them while they are eating. Most of them try to make others to eat something they do not like or comment on their eating behaviour. If You know someone who is autistic, please, do not do this mistake and respect their choice. 

How You can help person who has similar issues with food:

• don't assume that You know better what person likes and dislikes, if You like pasta with sauce it does not mean that others will. I do not put sauce on my food and it's perfectly fine for me.

• don't try to make person to try things they do not want to. I'm scared to death to try unknown food most of the time. It takes abnormally amount of energy to eat something I'm not prepared to.

Or rain man.
Or any other film with character who has autistic traits.
First at all, it's not possible to know EVERYTHING about something, and also comedy shows are not reliable way to learn about autistic people and their experiences.

So, please, even if You watch almost all films with characters who have some autistic traits, don't assume that everyone is like them. I love to finding those traits in characters, but no, not every autistic person is like that.

This time I decided to write a little bit about autism. Many people are aware that I am autistic, and for those who are not - well, from now You are. Very often when people hear that I am autistic for the first time, they can't believe that I do have it or opposite - that it s so obvious that there is something different about me. Whatsoever, both of those reactions are pretty insulting. I hope that it's just me who gets them and not other people, because it really can hurt. If You want to know more about autism, visit WrongPlanet and You will find plenty of information. As well You can ask me, I'm very happy to answer any questions You may have.

So, yes, I am autistic. As well I do have brown eyes and dark hair. And I do have two hands and ten fingers. Can You believe that? And inside my body I do have a liver and even lungs. Can't change that either, sorry! Some people are autistic and You should get over it. And yes, I'm clever and I'm able to hold a conversation. Why I do not look lack of empathy? Maybe because my empathy comes from my intellect that is way better than from Your emotions, those are changing every day or even every hour. No, I do not try to be like some characters from Your favourite TV shows, and mostly likely I even do not know them. Yes, I'm able to hold eye contact, but still can't get why it is needed and I chose not to do that, because I prefer to concentrate on what You are saying and not on other moving objects. Yes, I remember what You told me six days ago, I remember what You told me one month ago and most likely I remember what You told me two years ago, and that does not make me strange, I just pay attention when You are talking, because You are talking with me, aren't You? It's not my problem that You can't remember and I have no intentions to make these things up. Why do I ask so many questions? Simply because without asking I will never get an answer. No, just because I'm nice does not mean that I would like to change body liquids with You. No, I'm not bored to speak about the same things again and again, actually I love that! Yes, I do have feelings. No, I'm not over reacting. . .
Most of the time I feel like I do belong nowhere. No one knows what is wrong with me, but everybody knows that I am the biggest mistake in this planet. I can learn everything about humanity and social interactions, because I have brains, can make connections and notice things very well, but all of it will never be a part of me. And even when I am with most wonderful people I don’t feel one of them despite the fact that they are obviously showing how much they like me.

And I feel a lot of pressure because I'm autistic person in neurotypical world. As a person who stands for autism rights I want people to accept autism and end the discrimination towards it. And it's really hard, because society does not want to take me seriously. Not speaking about the part of humanity that ignores my existence at all.
And I still don't think that I'm the one who is wrong and needs to be healed, fixed or whatsoever. Most of the time I love being autistic. I have amazing minds and I'm able to separate my emotions from the rest of my minds. I know why I'm doing one or another thing and never ever did something just because everyone did that or just because that's the way You should do something. And one of the most wonderful things about being autistic is the fact that if I like something or someone I like it unstoppable (and that means really a LOT). I can spend hours and hours speaking or thinking about the same object and it never gets boring. Actually, the effect is opposite. More I think or talk about something, more I like it. I can watch my favourite films hundreds of times and after every time I like them more and more. When I speak about my obsessions, the rest of the world simply does not exist. So, yeah, even if to have autism means that other people will never get me completely and I will always be stuck in my doubts what is more important: to be the way I am or to fight for a good cause. I would never choose not to have it. Because even after hours of crying and giving up on humanity, there is something I always can rely on. The possibility to like something the way I do.

And I hate organisations like Autism Speaks so much. Maybe they did a lot of good and educated society about autism. But with their searches for magical cure, they are basically saying that I shouldn't exist. I must be erased and replaced with someone else who is perfectly fitting into someone's imaginary pattern. And just because my existence makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Don't You think that if You can't stand the way I interact, the way I think or the way I react, You have some problems and not me? There is not only one way to be, and not only one way to interact with others!

My problem is not me, my problem is the world that can't stand the fact that not everyone is the same and not everyone has to fit into fucking patterns someone created to control the society.

When someone asks me what does it feel to have autism, I simply can not answer. Can You answer what does it feel to be neurotypical or to have brown eyes? Is there a special feeling of being something? Is there a special feeling for having nails? You just do have them or don't. The same goes to autism.

Why am I writing all this? Well, maybe because somewhere out there exist other people who do not fit into the pattern of someone's imaginary "normality" and who feel the same way I do. It's time to realise that it's ok to be the way You are or want to be and You never have to explain Yourself to others. If they can't get You, that's their problem. You do not have to be an example for anyone. As well, it's time to realise that fucking social rules are nonsense. If You want to interact about things You love, You can do it without useless 11 minutes talk about weather and prices of food. Do You know who even create this rule? I would say it was a meteorologist or someone else who was obsessed with the weather. . .

So, thank You for reading and hopefully You will think about after.